Secret Identites
by jasperissexy
Summary: All the characters come out of the closet! Emmett's naked! Alice buys a...pink strainer? The Cullens are just really crack heads in disguise...probably. VERY random and VERY OOC
1. Secret Identities

**Just a humorous little one shot full of randomosity.**

"Cedward! You're alive!" shouted Bella. She had just finished watching Harry Potter 4, and had come to the conclusion that Cedric and Edward was, in fact, the same person.

"Bella have you lost your marbles? My name is _Edward_. I no nothing of this _Cedward _you speak of," said Edward with shifty eye.

"Cedward, your secret is safe with me, I know what you really are," said Bella.

"Say it out loud," said Edward right behind her. (Oh Twilight movie reference!)

"Wizard," she said breathing heavily.

"What? How did you know? I thought I kept that secret quite well, not even my family knows about! How did you find out?" said Edward surprised.

"Um, there's a movie about it love, but you're supposed to be dead, seeing as you died and all," said Bella.

Edward became flustered, and didn't want to talk about this anymore, so he said, "Yeah, well, erm, yeah. EMMETT'S SPIDER MAN!"

"I KNEW it!" shouted Bella.

Emmett suddenly came into the room, but he was crawling on the ceiling. "Damn it Eddy, I told you not to tell anyone."

"Yeah, well, I have my own secret identities to protect, like how I am Cedric Diggory, and teenage heartthrob Rob Pattinson," said Edward.

"He is quite dreamy," concluded Emmett.

"I'd say," Bella added.

Suddenly Rosalie came in screaming "OMFG! IT'S ROB PATTINSON! OMG I LOVE YOU!"

Emmett's face fell, "I thought you loved me?"

"Ew, gross no. Besides isn't Spiderman gay?" said Rose.

"That's what I always thought," said Bella.

"Jasper is Robin!" shouted Emmett, "Everyone knows Robin is probably the gayest superhero of them all."

"What the Hale? No I'm not, I'm Aquaman." said Jasper, who was canoodling with dolphins. Pink dolphins to be exact.

"I stand corrected," said Emmett.

"Well Alice is actually Tyra Banks in disguise!" said Jasper.

"Work that weave girl!" shouted Alice, appearing out of nowhere.

"I see the resemblance," said Cedward, in a serious, non sarcastic way.

"I wish I had a secret identity," said Jacob.

"Where did you come from?" asked Bella.

"I don't know," said Jacob.

"But you do have a secret identity, Jakie-poo," sneered Rosalie, "You're SHARKBOY!"

"Oh yeah," said Jacob excitedly.

Suddenly they all broke out into disco dancing. Roller disco dancing to be exact.

The End.


	2. Emmett is naked

**I lied…I've decided this won't be a one shot…it will be a really random story of really random things…more like a bunch of one shots put together really.**

**Anyway…I hope you're prepared for all the randomness…I am writing this at 1:30 in the morning after all. (Damn sleep insomnia!)**

Alice was skipping around the house sing a merry little song that goes by the name of "Buckets of Blood" (she is a vampire after all), when suddenly Emmett came running through the house, butt naked, screaming.

Emmett: "I'M ON FIRE! SOMEONE CALL THE L.A. FIRE DEPARTMENT!"

Alice: "Um, Em, you're not on fire, and we're in forks, the L.A. fire department doesn't come here."

Emmett: But they're sexy firemen! I don't want dirty fireman!

Alice: ROSE?

Rose came bounding down the stairs, and her eyes grew wide as she saw her husband current state.

Rose: What the hale?

Alice: What's wrong with him?

Rose: I don't know

Meanwhile, Emmett is now rolling around on the floor screaming in agony. Rose suddenly had an idea.

Rose: Emmett, you weren't playing video games were you?

Emmett stopped moving.

Emmett: Nooooooooo

Alice: LIAR! You were playing Grand Theft Auto XIVIII!

Emmett: How did you know?

Alice: Well, um, I don't know…

Jasper (appearing out of nowhere): The same thing happened to Alice when she played last week. It was quite entertaining.

Edward (jumping in through the window): For you maybe! I found I quite disturbing.

Rose: God Eddie, why are you so emo?

Edward: I hear voices in my head.

Emmett: OME! That explains so much actually.

Jacob: Dance Party?

Bella: Where did you come from?

Jacob: Where did _you_ come from?

Bella: That's what she said.

Rose: JUST SHUT UP SO WE CAN HAVE OUR ANNUAL END OF THE CHAPTER DANCE PARTY!

Edward: Violence is not the answer Rose.

And so they all began to dance to the song "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" by Lady Gaga, cause the author thinks the song perfectly suits the Cullen's as well as herself even though she's not very rich.

Jasper: This chapter isn't very random

Me: Do you seriously want your head ripped off, you sexy manpire?

Jasper: All I'm saying is that this story has a bit of a plot and what not.

Me: Goodbye Jasper's head.

And his read mysteriously falls off his shoulder and rolls on the floor, and Emmett is still naked.

The End.


	3. Garage Sales

**I'm running out of ideas for hilarious one-shots…so I need someone to give me ideas of the random/hilarious variety. ¡Gracias chicos!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my friend Jasmine's soul, which I bought for 25 cents at her step-mom's garage sale.**

**Oh and this one-shot is based on said garage sale.**

Alice: I haven't shopped in 25 minutes, and all the stores are closed, what ever shall I do Rose?

Rose: IDK, my BFF Jesús?

Alice: Hmm, maybe. Wait! I saw the future! We are going to a garage sale, right now!

Rose: But it's 3 in the morning, there aren't any garage sales at this time of day!

Alice: That's where you are wrong, my vain sister, there is a garage sale going on right now at the house of the Childs. You see the step-mom is part zombie/evil thing, and doesn't sleep; she just does weirdo crafts, and holds garage sales. If you go with me, I won't tell Emmett what you did last summer.

Rose: You wouldn't dare.

Alice: OME! LET'S PLAY TRUTH OR DARE!

Rose: Ugh, no, we do _not_ need another one of those of fanfic.

Alice: Point taken. Anyways, let's hop into my sexy Porsche and drive off to the Child's house.

So they drive to the other side of the country to the Child's house, which is just outside NYC. They begin to look at the weird things the step-mom has laid out to be sold.

Rose: Is this actually a knitted bikini?

Step-Mom: Why yes, they're very popular in France.

Rose: Don't they have nude beaches in France? Why would I wear a swimsuit to a nude beach?

The step-mom becomes very uncomfortable and runs away to pray to Jesus to save her soul, and her husband's soul, but not her step-daughter's soul.

Alice: Rose, come here, I think we need this!

Rose: OMC! Is that what I think it is?

Alice: By George, I think it is!

Rose: Since when did you become all British like?

Alice: Since now.

Rose: Okay. Anyway…you need to buy this Alice.

Alice: Okay…now where did that step-mom go?

Rose: I don't know, lets just take it, she'll never notice.

Alice: You think so? Well okay, if you insist, after all, we really do need a strainer, to you know, strain things with. Plus it's the color of bright pink, and you just can't find these any more.

Jacob: DANCE PARTY!

Rose: Why do you always appear out of nowhere?

Jacob: I don't know.

Alice: Whatever lets just do the electric slide.

So they do the electric slide for hours on end, and then the step-mom comes out screaming, how they are all going to go to hell.

The End

**In case you were wondering, this is an actual conversation Jasmine and I had. Well most of it is. I am Alice, and my friend is Rose, but in looks, I would be Rose and she would be Alice, as we are their identical twins…probably. Jacob was just tossed in there because he likes to dance.**


	4. In Da Hood

**I'm feel gangsta right now, and so do the Twilight characters…deal with it :)**

**Disclaimers: [insert witty disclaimer here]**

Emmett: Fo Shizzle E-Dawg, it so went down in the parking lot, 'naw what I'm sayin'?

Edward: Erm…no, I don't have the slightest deal, um, what you're "sayin'"

Emmett: Naw, you don't cuz yous ain't gangsta, yous ain't feelin' it like I is.

Edward: Can you please use proper grammar; you're giving me a headache with all this gangster business

Emmett: Whatevs E-Dawg, Rapper Emmy McAwsome out!

Edward: Emmy McAwsome? Are you serious?

Emmett: Hells yeah! It's da shit!

Edward: Whatever, I'm done with this nonsense.

Rose comes bounding down the stairs in a super attractive manner, seeing as she is super attractive, and the author likes to think she looks EXACTLY like Rosalie, but the author's "friend" thinks otherwise

Rose: Hey bitches! What crack-a-lackin?

Edward: Not you too!

Rose: Whatju talkin' 'bout E-Dawg? We's always be like this!

Edward: NO! We are NOT always like this! This family is INSANE!

Jasper comes into the room, with all of his gorgeousness, and super sexy hair, that slightly resembles the end of a q-tip, but gorgeous nonetheless. Oh yeah, Alice is there too.

Jasper: Yo! My home skillets! Wes all be 'illin fo sho!

Alice: Fo Sho!

Jasper: Yo Emmy McAwsome! Yous eva think yous be overchicked? Yo shawty fine, and has an illin' badonkadonka!

Emmett: Naw man.

Edward: ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS! TALK NORMAL!

Alice: What's yankin' yer chain E-Dawg?

Edward: MY NAME IS EDWARD!

Bella comes in looking like a prostitute, and smacking her gum. She also has a side pony on the top of her head, in an attractive, yet tarty, manner.

Bella: Yo, E-Dawg, yous ready for our date? Wes gonna be late boo!

Edward: No! Bella! Stay with me! Don't do this to me Bella!

Bella: What yankin his chain?

Alice: That's what wes be sayin, but E-Dawg is just bein a clagnut!

Bella: Fer shiz!

Edward: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!

Edward rips off his clothes (o.O) and runs out of the house screaming.

Rose: We got him good!

Emmett: I know. I've never seen his so distraught before.

Bella: I must admit that was pretty funny.

Jasper: Should we go looking for him?

Alice: No, we should just leave him out there for awhile to pull himself together.

Bella: Sounds like a plan

Esme: Who wants cookies?

Everyone mobs around Esme and eats all of the cookies, even though everyone except Bella is a vampire. I mean they're cookies! Who doesn't love cookies?

**Hope you lurved! Review por favor!**

**Oh and also- I have no clue what anyone just said, you'll have to translate it yourself :)**


	5. Midol

**Yo quiero depressedo… my new boy toy Andrew is a jerk sometimes…I blame Canada (no offense to the people of Canada as I don't have a problem with you, just your country)**

**ANYWAY, this story is dedicated to Amanda's bf Caleb…because he didn't know what Midol was**

**Disclaimer: I own Twilight as I am Stephanie Meyer (notice the sarcasm in my voice)**

Emmett: Beep you, Beep you very very much, cause we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew so please don't stay in touch

Bella: Why are you singing Lily Allen and wearing a pink tutu and absolutely nothing else

Emmett: Beep you Bella

Bella: Thanks Em, love you to

Emmett: LE GASP! I thought you were in love with Eddie poo! I'm sorry Bella but I just don't feel the same way, as I am in love with my sexy Rosie baby.

Bella: I was being sarcastic Em, I do not love you at all.

Emmett: BELLA! How could you be so cruel! After all the things we've been through, I thought we had something special Bella!

Bella: I'm sorry Emmett, I didn't mean it like that! I really do love you.

Emmett: Well I'm flattered Bella, but Edward won't be happy, and I just love my wife, and this affair just can't continue.

Bella: Wow Emmett. What the hell. You have some serious mood swings. Go take a Midol.

Emmett: I'm sorry but I just don't like the flavor.

Bella: Midol doesn't have a flavor…Wait! Do you even know what midol is? OMC you have no clue do you! Ha! This is great! Alice! Rose! Listen to this! Emmett doesn't know what Midol is!

Alice: Are you serious! That's hilarious! Wait! This probably means he doesn't know what it's for either.

Emmett: I RESENT THAT! I know exactly what it's for… it's for hiccups right?

Rose: No baby…not at all.

Emmett: Then what's it for?

Bella: I'll tell you when you're older

Emmett: But I'll never be older! I stay this old forever! Come on Bells don't leave me hanging.

Jacob: Dance Party?

Bella: Jake. For reals. Where do you come from?

Jake: I sleep outside Edward's room in hopes that I can see him shirtless.

Bella: Oh, that's completely understandable. He has nice pecs.

Jake: They are quite delicious.

Rose: And this is quite disturbing.

And so they all begin dancing to F**k You by Lily Allen because that song for some strange reason just makes me feel happy. I think that says a lot about my character.


	6. Bella meets the Sexy7

**Bella meets the Sextacular 7…which is what we call my group of friends…God help us all**

Bella: TAKE ME ON THE FLOOR!

Emmett: DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!

Edward: well if you do so insist Bella…even though I do think the bed is a more appropriate place for that sorta thing…

Bella: as much as I would love for you to take me on the floor Edward, I was only singing a song with Emmett. His voice is a combination of Jesus and Fergie.

Rose: I'm pretty sure that is from step brothers Bella, and I'm pretty sure it copyrighted, and now you're going to jail.

Edward: NO! THEY'LL NEVER TAKE BELLA AWAY FROM ME!!!!

Officer D-Bag: Bella Swan, you're under arrest for copyright infringement.

Edward: Take her away officer, she's naughty!

Bella: UH Edward!!!!

Edward: Don't worry love, we'll bust you out, I mean we're freakin vampires!

Rose: Sexy ones at that.

Edward: Got that right sister!

AT JAIL

Officer D-Bag: Stay here Ms. Swan. YOU SEVEN! BEHAVE!

Twiggy: We do what we want.

Giselle: That's probably how we ended up in here.

Pandora: Totally worth it though.

Twiggy: Anything involving explosives and male prostitutes is worth it.

Juno: What the hell is wrong with her?

She's referring to Bella who is looking at the seven sexy ladies in a state of shock and fear.

Malibu: Do I have something on my face? Is that why she's staring? OMG, I forgot to wear underwear again didn't I?

Teazer: Let me check…Nope you're wearing some

Malibu: Oh thank god.

Rella: She hasn't said anything yet…maybe we should poke her with a stick.

Giselle: Good idea…Twiggy you do it.

Twiggy: Why do I always have to do _everything_?

Teazer: Because you want to, that's why.

Twiggy: Sounds logical.

Twiggy pokes at Bella with a stick and Bella lets out a blood curdling scream, and begins to shout

Bella: EDWARD SAVE ME!!!!!

Juno: Honey, no one is gonna save you in here.

Malibu: Its alright, just calm down, just let me give you a hug.

Bella: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Pandora: Are you on drugs?

Twiggy: If she is then I want what she has.

Edward: Bella! Are you ok?

Bella: NO I AM NOT OK! THESE PEOPLE ARE PYSCHO!!!

Rella: OMFG! Its Edward. Freaking. Cullen.

Twiggy: OME! Marry me Edward! I love you!

Edward: Um…no. Bella you're free to go love, we can go away from the scary ladies.

Bella practically launches herself onto Edward, and they leave as fast as possible. Who can blame them? Those chicks are psycho. Even if they are my besties.

**Dedicated to the insane besties…because I lurve you…most of the time, and p.s. guess who's Twiggy :-P**


	7. Epic Karaoke

**Yes that's right it time for another one of the infamous secret identities shorts!!!!! Speaking of which, I just downloaded a youtube video of the first chapter…I had to audio swap it though so its not as good as its supposed to but you get the idea (****.com/watch?v=9n9TFCaG9_s****) any…ONWARD TO THE RANDOMOSITY! **

The lights dim and a spotlight turns on to the middle of the Cullen living room…don't ask me why the Cullen's have a spotlight they just do. In the middle of the spotlight are Emmett, and his new insane bff Twiggy, whom he met at jail. Don't ask me why Emmett was in jail either…he just was.

Bella: What are they doing?

Something goes flying past Bella's head and she is told to shut up and sit down. The music starts.

Edward: Oh god no…anything but this.

Emmett: Welcome to the world!

Twiggy: Welcome to the world!

Emmett: You got your popstars

Twiggy: I'll be your rockstar

Emmett: When it's a suicide

Twiggy: You call it a superstar

Then the music abruptly stops. Rose stands over by the sound system with the pluggy thingy in her hand

Rose: Emmett! WHAT did I tell you about karaoke?!?!?

Emmett: You told me not to do it anymore. :-(

Rose: And WHY is that?

Emmett: Because I always manage to ruin a perfectly good song by tearing off my clothes during the chorus

Twiggy: Phrowr!

Rose: No one asked you!

Twiggy: Please don't eat me!

Bella: TAKE ME ON THE FLOOR!

Emmett gets a very scary grin on his face

Emmett: DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!

Rose: NO STOP THIS INSANITY!

Edward: It's to late Rose, just wait till they get it out of there system.

Bella & Twiggy: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Emmett: DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!

B & T: I WANT YOU I WANT YOU I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME LOVE!

Jake suddenly appears and begins doing back up dancing

Edward: Well if you can't beat them join them

And Edward and Rose also do some back up dancing

Then Edward tears off his clothes and ruins another perfectly good song once again.

**Rate! Review! Rate AND Review! You know you just adore me ;-)**


	8. Green Toothpaste

**AHHHH MORE INSANITY!!! In case you have noticed, I have put myself in my lovely little stories of randomosity because I think I make a lovely addition to the stories, and also because I think Emmett would be a great sidekick for me.**

Twiggy: Emmett…Do vampires brush their teeth?

Emmett: Why of course we do stupid! Why wouldn't we?

Twiggy: Well Stephanie Meyer never said, "And then the sexy manpires went off into the bathroom to have a big ol' orgy and brush their teeth".

Emmett: Well how do you think our teeth are so white? It isn't because we're vampires, it's because we use crest whitening strips and floss daily.

Twiggy: Everything has suddenly become so clear.

Emmett: What would you ever do without me?

Twiggy: Have a normal life.

Emmett: I'm not sure that's quite possible.

Twiggy: Good Point

Emmett: So what is the point of this story exactly?

Twiggy: Just wait a few minutes, you'll see.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Rose: EMMETT! WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE MY TEETH GREEN?

Rose began stomping down the stairs ready to kill Emmett, which would be pointless as he is already technically dead.

Emmett: I swear to god Rose! I didn't do anything!

Rose: This is payback for me taking away Mr. Fuzzy Lumpkins isn't it?

Twiggy: Who is Mr. Fuzzy Lumpkins?

Emmett: None of your business.

Rose: Why the hell are you still here? I thought you were just a one story thing and then you'd be gone.

Twiggy: Sorry but I enjoy myself to much to leave.

Rose: Oh. My. GAWD! It was you who did something to the tooth paste wasn't it? You are so dead!

Emmett: NO! You can't kill my new BFFL!!!! Rosalie Hale, go to your room and no sex for a month!

Rose: Ha! I do what I want Emmett, and you know you will be able to last that long without sex. Besides I did nothing wrong.

Emmett: You threatened Twiggy!

Rose: She turned my effing teeth GREEN!

Emmett: GO missy!

Rose: Fine!

Twiggy: Thanks Emmy! I love you!

Emmett: Anytime BFF! Now lets go watch America's Next Top Model.

Twiggy: WAIT! He's here somewhere I can feel it.

Emmett: Who---

Jake: DANCE PARTY!!!!!

Twiggy: Emmett, hold still maybe he won't notice us.

Emmett: Too late.

And they all began to dance to everyone's favorite song "Take Me On the Floor" thanks to Jake's newly acquired "make people dance" skill.

**NOW RATE FOO! Otherwise Jake will appear out of nowhere and make you dance.** **Oh and on my last chappie, it said that Edward took off his clothes but it was actually Emmett. I'm just to lazy to re-upload a fixed version :-P**


	9. MONSTER MASH!

**WHEN WILL THE INSANITY EVER END?!?!?! Never my good friends…never.**

**Oh ya…Disclaimer: I own Twilight…its sitting right on my shelf so that means I own it :-P**

Bella: I'm bored.

Edward: Me too.

Emmett: LETS HAVE A MONSTER MASH!!!!

Edward: Drugs are bad Emmett.

Bella: But that means I can't go. I'm not a monster :-(

Edward: That's a good thing, lover.

Jake: Did someone say MONSTER MASH?

Bella: Where the hell do you always come from?

Jake: Must we always go over this? Its getting annoying Bella and I'm pretty sure no one cares.

Rose: Bella, get out, this is a _monster mash_ and you are no monster.

Bella: Why are you such a bit---

Angela: YAY! MONSTER MASH!

Bella: Angela? Why the hell are you here? You're not a monster…or are you?

Angela: I'm a witch. Duh.

Bella: FML…Everyone I know is a monster! And I'm not :-(

Mike: THE COOKIE MONSTER HAS ARRIVED!

Bella: You have got to be kidding me!

Bella has a mental breakdown, 'cept no one cares…not even Edward. Le gasp!

Twiggy: Yay! A monster mash! Wait! How come I wasn't invited?

Emmett: You're not a monster.

Twiggy gets the scariest face you have ever seen on person ever.

Twiggy: How much do you want to bet I'm not a monster?

Emmett: I mean…you weren't invited because you weren't here! Yeah, that's it.

Twiggy: That's what I thought.

The Twiggy and Emmett skip around the room, singing. Which is very scary.

Bella: If Twiggy can go to the monster mash, then I can too!

Edward: No.

Then someone hits Bella in the head with a lamp, and she is knocked unconscious, thank god. She was getting quite annoying. I mean seriously, we all know Bella isn't a monster already! Even when she is a monster she really isn't.

Then Alice and Jasper come to the monster mash, and they all have a fabulous time, especially since Jasper brought freeze pops and a trampoline.

**Wow, ok this is a little insane, even for me. Anyway, the idea came from when I was reading Eclipse maybe? And Bella was like, "if Angela is a witch then she can join the party too", or something like that.**


	10. emo corner

MORE CRACKFIC! Or whatever you want to call it…its mostly just random stuff slapped together, and I call it a story. I have also noticed my stories have gotten progressively more insane. God help us all.

Emmett: Lets play a joke on Esme.

Jasper: Are you serious? Being mean to Esme is like throwing a box of puppies of a cliff.

Emmett: Well I'm bored.

Jasper: Well back in my day of being a human we used to inflict pain on ourselves for fun.

Emmett: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna do it.

Edward: LONG LIVE THE UNION! THE CONFEDERACY MUST DIE!!!!!

Jasper: Take it back.

Edward: Never.

Jasper then attacks Edward, seeing as he was a confederate person or whatever.

Edward: Jasper, get over it. The union won. You lost.

Jasper: The union just got lucky. We we're better and bigger.

Emmett: That's what she said.

Edward: Teehee. That was a good one.

Jasper: GAR! YOU'RE ALL SO INFURIATING!!!!!!

Alice: Awww, Jazzy! You're so cute when you're angry.

Jasper: LEAVE ME ALONE! I'm going to the emo corner.

Jasper then goes to the emo corner, and won't come out for anything. Not even for cupcakes. And they were chocolate cupcakes too.

Emmett (whispering to Alice so Edward couldn't hear): Operation Gangster Part Deux!

Alice: Yo, E-Dawg! Sup?

Edward: Oh god. Not again!

Emmett: Dude, wherez ya shawty?

Edward: STOP THE INSANITY!

Alice: Fer realz E-Dawg, I bez missin' that chica.

Edward joins Jasper in the emo corner.

Emmett (he's thinking this): _Now, I just need to get Alice in the emo corner…this shouldn't be hard._

Emmett: Bad news Alice…Jasper put all of your clothes in the dump and cut up all of your credit cards.

Alice goes into a completely catatonic state. Emmett has to drag her over to the emo corner.

Jake: DANCE FOO!

Emmett goes and sits in the emo corner.

**I'm running out of ideas :-P whoever gives me a fabulous idea gets to join in the insanity that is "Secret Identities". And I'll let you be whatever you want to be, human, vampire, juice box, whatever.**


	11. Le gasp!

So Wednesdayshearts has saved my ass from the deadly disease known as writers block, and has given me a brilliantly insane idea, so she get to be a character as promised, and since she's so insane she'll probably be reappearing now and again. This basic outline is hers. She has kindly asked to be put in as a red fish.

Jake pops out of nowhere, ya know, same old same old, but this time he doesn't do crap dancing, this time he leaps on to an unsuspecting Bella, and starts making out with her, and Bella, overcome with her teenage hormones, and the lack of a psychical relationship with Edward, kisses Jake back. Except its really bad kissing, it looked like the kissing scene between that really hideous chick and tall awkward guy at the end of DodgeBall.

Edward: WTF?!?! What is going on? I'm so mad I could throw something at you two! Hmmm, this fridge full of ice pops seems will do.

Then he throws a fridge and the disgusting pair of love birds. Bella and Jake are smashed in to smithereens.

Edward: NOOOOOOOO!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?! BELLA I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!! WAKE UP!!!!

Edward tries to put Bella back together again, but not Jake because no one really cares, but his attempts are useless. Bella is dead…or is she? A red fish and Emmett appear out of nowhere.

Red Fish: I am the mystical Red Fish, and this is my sidekick Emmett the Hippie.

Emmett: Duuuuuuuuude.

Edward: Why are his eyebrows so long?

Red Fish: That is not important. I'll put you're friends back together again.

The mystical Red Fish puts Bella back together no problemo. However she puts Jake back together weird, and all he does is blink and flop on the ground like a fish.

Jake: Nadjhfuirehamckjsehfla!!!!

Edward: What's wrong with him?

Red Fish: Eh, who cares?

Emmett: The universe is ours to share dude.

Everyone: ???

Bella: I feel sick. BLEGH!

Edward: Ewwww! Why did she throw up purple?

Emmett: Purple is the color of loooooove dude.

Edward: Ooooook then….

Jasper: OME! It's the Cullens! Quick Alice throw me the camera so I can take a picture!

P.S. Jasper is wearing tourist attire, white socks folded over, sneakers, tucked in polo, high waist jean shorts, fanny pack…the works.

Alice: Um helloooooo Jasper, you live here, whats with the tourist getup anyways?

Jasper: I don't get out much.

Alice: OOOO! Jazzy! I've had a fabulous vision! We're going on an epic journey to find matching hot pick high heeled flaming flamingo shoes!

Jasper: Someone save me!

Emmett: Jasper, be one with the universe duuuuude.

Rosalie: Emmett, sometimes you are tooooo weird, and how did you get your eyebrows so long?

Emmett: I bought fake eyebrows and braided them together to make them longer.

Alice: OME! They make fake eyebrows!?!?! Jasper, add that to the shopping list!

Emmett: Now lets be at one with nature and have a love-in.

Rose: Hey Emmett, I have an idea, why don't you go to the movies. I'll sell you tickets for $286,383,574,643,762,347,084.

Emmett: Wow, that's such a bargain! I'll take them!

Edward goes skipping off to go see the movies sing kum-bay-ah or whatever its called.

Edward: So what movie is he going to see?

Rose: Mary Poppins.

Edward: Sometimes Rose, you are a genius.

Rose: I know.

Then Bella and Jake start making out again.

Edward: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Then Edward and Rose start making out. Think Dodgeball scene again.

**I hope I did you proud Wednesdayshearts! **


	12. Carebears Attack!

**This chapter is Purplestapler's insane idea. She's the vampire unicorn. This is going to get random so buckle your seatbelts ladies and gentlemen or you will fall out of your seat.**

Jasper: Alice, I am feeling very emo today.

Alice: You feel emo everyday.

Jasper: Yeah, but today I feel MEGA-EMO.

Alice has a vision and a look of horror appears on her face.

Alice: Oh god…It can't be…Jasper RUN!

Emo Carebear: Too late, you can't escape from me! Now carebears, attack!!!

Jasper goes into a crazy fit from all the emotions he is feeling from the gazillions of carebears.

Alice: STOP IT FOO! Or I'll get Paul Blart the mall cop to shank your ass.

Emo Carebear: No one can save your precious Jazzy-Poo. Now excuse me while I go cut myself.

Jasper: LIKE OMG!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!!! ALICE WTF? GO TO HELL!!!! MY PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE ME!!!!

Alice: Wow Jasper, your mood swings are giving me whiplash.

Bella: Hey! That's MY line!

Alice: No one cares Bella.

Bella runs away crying partially because Alice is a meany head, and partially because Jasper was currently emitting sadness waves.

Alice: Someone please save Jasper before he combusts from all the emotions!!!

The Vampire Unicorn jumps through a window looking all triumphant and majestic.

Vampire Unicorn: I'll save you and your gorgeous hair Jazzy-Poo!

The Vampire unicorn goes and tramples all the carebears into smithereens. Then all are destroyed except for the gigantic emo carebear.

Vampire Unicorn: So Emo Carebear, we meet again.

Emo Carebear: So it seems to appear.

Vampire Unicorn: Prepare to die!

Emo Carebear: I don't care if I die, because I'm emo.

Jasper: KICK HIS ASS MAJESTIC VAMPIRE UNICORN!!!

Then the vampire unicorn and the Emo Carebear go into an epic battle of epic proportions, think the final battle in 300, but even more epic. It seems as the Emo Carebear is winning, and is about to finish off the vampire unicorn, but Alice comes running over in slow motion with a huge sword, and leaps up and slices the Emo Carebear in half. The Vampire Unicorn, not wanting to feel upstaged by a midget vampire, stands on the corpse of the Emo Carebear looking triumphant and majestic.

Jasper: YAY! I'm saved! Thank you Vampire Unicorn! I love you!

Vampire Unicorn: Just doing my job young one.

Alice: Will you stay? We will miss you so much if you leave us.

Vampire Unicorn: I must leave; there are other pathetic vampires in need of saving, like the voulturi. I have to save their ass quite a bit actually.

Jasper and Alice: Goodbye then! Come back anytime!

The Vampire Unicorn nods and gallops away into the distance.

**Now review because I lovers them, and I lovers you…next time, an idea from Little-Miss-Giggle-Fit…you won't want to miss that.**


	13. Victoria's Secret

**This idea comes from the fabulous Little-Miss-Giggle-Fit; you guys have really been lifesavers by the way. Anyway, she's the monkey named Figglesworth, which is an awesome name, FYI…If I already wasn't naming all my children Earl I would name them Figglesworth.**

Twiggy: Oooooh Edwaaaard!!!

Edward: Please whatever you do, don't hurt me.

Twiggy: Oh I would never hurt you Edward, you're too sexy.

Edward: Then what do you want?

Twiggy: Could you drive me to the mall? Pretty please?

Edward: Why can't your BFFL Emmett do it?

Twiggy: He ran off to join the circus.

Edward: Fine…but don't touch anything, and don't even think about asking me to come shopping with you.

At the mall…

Edward: I can't believe you made me come in here with you.

Twiggy: Come on Eddy, its fun!!!

Edward: No it's not, and why is everything in here pink? And lacy? Is this an eye patch?

Twiggy: Edward, sometimes you are not all what Stephanie Meyer cracked you up to be. And this is Victoria's Secret, you dumb tard. Hasn't Bella whipped you into coming here ever?

Edward: Bella wears fruit of the loom underwear; she has no need for lacy pink eye patches.

Twiggy: That's a thong.

Edward: Oh god!

Edward chucks the thong across like it has burned his flesh and it lands on a monkey.

Monkey: Well helllllooooo there dahlings! I am Figglesworth, and how may I be of assistance to you?

Twiggy: We're bra shopping.

Edward: We are WHAT? This is blasphemy!!! Emmett is going to get it when he gets back from the circus…

Figglesworth: So what is your size? I'm thinking it's a C…what do you think?

Twiggy: Oh yes definitely a C. Now I was thinking something a little feminine? Something with flowers on it…or OMG rhinestones!

Figglesworth: Of course! I'll be right back.

Jake then appears in the middle of the store and begins to sing in a high soprano voice…

Jake: IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!!! IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!!! Edward why aren't you clapping? This store is a magical place full of happiness so clap damnit!!!

Edward: I am not happy, and where the F*** do you keep coming from?

Jake: PEANUT BUTTER COCK A DOOS!!!

And Jake disappeared.

Figglesworth: I'm baaaaack! Here are your bras! Now let me adjust them on you to make sure they are all snuggly!

Figglesworth then starts putting a bra on Edward, who has a complete ditherspaz.

Edward: What the f*** are you doing monkey?

Figglesworth: Putting on your bra now hold still.

Edward: I don't need a bra! I am a man!

Twiggy: Well truth is Eddy…you have put on a little weight, and well lets face it…those moobs are going to hurt someone if you don't have them properly constrained.

Edward: I will not put up with this mother f***ing shit ant more! I'm out like sauerkraut!

Figglesworth: Oooo Bella love, how nice of you to stop by!

Edward: Bella? Where? I love Bella you know, even though I left her I still loved her ya know.

Bella: Shit, I thought my disguise was perfect too…

Twiggy: Dressing up in camouflage is not a disguise Bella; it really doesn't make you disappear. In fact, it just makes you look like an idiot.

Bella: Oh. Well then…um can I just get some underwear and get out of here?

A naked man suddenly comes in to the store and throws food around, and rolls in it a bit, and all the patrons of the store throw food at the man, and he keeps rolling around in it.

Edward: This is so effed up. On sooo many levels.

Figglesworth: But wait Edward you can't leave yet otherwise you'll miss the parade!

Suddenly a bunch of turtles come through the store wearing heels and neon pink, glittering, glow-in-the-dark, lipstick. They are also speaking Spanish…I don't know why they just are.

Then Jake pops up…again…but this time with blue parrots!

Jake: Free parrot give away!!!

Twiggy: Yay! They match perfectly with my new blue bra!

Edward: They…look…so…delicious

Then Edward eats all the parrots, and makes everyone cry, because face it Edward is just a big fat meany head.

But then they get over the temporary sadness and do the clevland shuffle. Even Edward, because that dance is just irresistible.

**Holy shit on a cracker this was a long one…it just whipped me out from the sheer length of it, and now I must sleep to replenish my energy. REVIEW MI AMORS!!!!**


	14. XOXO Gossip Girl

**So I suddenly inspired for this chapter when I was watching Gossip Girl, which is like my favorite show ever, and I was like OMG Blake Lively would've played a better Rosalie than Nikki Reed. No offense to Nikki, I mean she did a pretty amazing job, but Blake would be better. Anyway, enough rambling.**

Rose and Alice and Emmett had just finished watching the newest episode of Gossip Girl, when Emmett suddenly had an idea. Katy Perry please save us.

Emmett: Let's pretend to be the Gossip Girl cast!!!!! Dibs on Serena!!!

Rosalie: Emmett, in case you haven't noticed, you're a boy. Besides I want to be Serena, seeing as I look more like her anyway.

Alice: But I want to be Serena! Besides Rose, you act more like Blair.

Rosalie: Fine, Blair is prettier anyway.

Alice: Yay! I get to be Serena!

Emmett: But who do I get to be?

Rosalie: Why don't you be Chuck, he's a womanizer just like you.

Emmett: I AM NOT A WOMENIZER!!! Besides, Chuck is icky.

Rosalie: Jeez Em, I was just kidding, take it down an octave.

Emmett: I want to be Nate then. He's a hunk.

Edward: No way, I get to be Nate.

Jasper: And I call dibs on Dan.

Emmett: That just leaves me with Jenny, Chuck, and Nate's black girlfriend. I don't want to be any of them!

Bella: I call Nate's black girlfriend then, so I can still be with Edward.

Emmett: You two make me sick.

Twiggy: I totally want to be Jenny. So I guess you're stuck with Chuck. Tough luck Em.

Emmett: Life sucks. WAIT!!!! I want to be Gossip Girl!!!

Rosalie: You know Gossip Girl is actually a 45 year old man right? Probably.

Emmett: You mean she isn't the sexy girl from _Forgetting Sarah Marshall_.

Alice: Nope. Totally a 45 year old man.

Emmett: Well I'd rather be Gossip Girl than Chuck.

Esme: Emmett, honey, I get to be Gossip Girl. I'm sorry but you're going to have to be stuck with Chuck.

Emmett: FML! FINE! I WILL BE CHUCK BUT I WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!!!

Alice: That is so totally something Chuck would say, and then he would sleep with Blair.

Emmett: Oh yeah! I forgot Chuck and Blair slept together!!! That means I can still sleep with Rose…I mean Blair! Cause I get to be Chuck! Yippeeeeeeeee!!! But I am not wearing those weirdo outfits he wears…that's where I draw the line!

Alice: Buts that against the rules. The rules are you have to act exactly like the character otherwise you have to go bra shopping with Twiggy. Unless you break the rules Twiggy, then you have to watch reruns of Star Trek.

Twiggy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Esme: (She's doing a voice over) Noted: Twiggy hates Star Trek, and E&R have already been spotted having a heated make out session. What will Forks most famous vampires be spotted doing next? XOXO Gossip Girl

Jake: Yes I know…This is getting annoying having me pop up randomly, but we must dance to some obscure song that will become a chart topper because it was on Gossip Girl...So DANCE sexy people DANCE!!!

And they danced because no one argues with Jake's logic, because for once it made actual sense. :-O

**OMG I FREAKING LOVE GOSSIP GIRL!!!! Now review otherwise Gossip Girl will put a mean glog (gossip blog for all you people who actually have a life) up about you and ruin your life. Ha.**


	15. Epic Shoes of Epicness

**In a previous chapter, Alice told Jasper that they were going shopping for the legendary matching hot pink high heeled flaming flamingo shoes…Is it weird that I reallyreallyreally want a pair?**

Jasper: We aren't ever going to find these shoes Alice. They're a legend, they don't actually exist.

Alice: LIES!!!! What makes you such a liar?

Jasper: I'm just stating a fact Alice.

Alice: They do exist, and I WILL own a pair. I saw it in a vision.

Jasper: Was it a vision? Or was it a hallucination? I mean you did eat that moldy old platypus.

Alice: No, Jasper, I was a vision. Gosh why are you so retarded sometimes?

Jasper: I hang out with Emmett to much.

Alice: Makes sense.

Jasper: So where are we going to find these matching hot pink high heeled flaming flamingo shoes?

Alice: In a very secret place Jasper, so secret I can't even tell you. In fact I'm going to have to gauge your eyes out with spoons so you won't see where it is.

Jasper: It's at Red Lobster isn't it?

Alice: Gasp! How did you know?

Jasper: I know everything, because I am Santa Claus in disguise.

Alice: Woah! Hold the phone! I thought you were Aquaman?

Jasper: Alice keep up, that was 15 chapters ago.

Alice: So you mean, I'm not really Tyra Banks anymore?

Jasper: No now you're the Orbit Girl. And you call me retarded.

Alice: Jasper, you have a dirty mouth, so clean it up with new Orbit Mint Mojito!

Jasper: See, told you so.

Alice: Shut up lint licker. Let's go get our matching hot pink high heeled flaming flamingo shoes.

Jasper: As you wish master.

Alice: I've about had it with that smart mouth mister.

Jasper: And I've about had it with your…your…mouth! Yeah, that's it.

Alice: That was the worst comeback I've ever heard in my life. That was an epic failure.

Jasper: Let's just go already.

Alice: Alrighty, vamanos.

AT RED LOBSTER

Alice: Hello pathetic human, we are looking for matching hot pink high heeled flaming flamingo shoes. We heard you can get them here.

Waiter: That's right…For a price.

Alice: Name it.

Waiter: You have to sleep with me.

Jasper: Woah! No way! Alice you're my woman!

Alice: I will not be treated like an object that can be traded for something Jasper! Ok human, lets get this over with, I really need those shoes.

Emmett: WOAH! Irony!

Jasper: Go home Emmett. Where did you come from anyway?

Emmett: I'm everywhere DUH!

462378 hours later

Alice: Woah. That was amazing.

Waiter: Anytime sexy.

Jasper: I'm going to kill you!

Alice: Be nice to the weak human Jasper, just because he's better at sex than you is no reason to kill him.

Jasper: Can we just get the shoes and go? I've about had it with this shit right hur.

Waiter: Yeah, sure. Here ya go gorgeous.

Alice: OMG THEY ARE SO AMAZING!!!

Jasper: OMG!!! I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD LIKE THEM BUT HOLY CRAP THESE THINGS ARE EPIC!!!

Alice: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING STILL?

Jasper: I DON'T KNOW!

Jacob: Why don't I get a pair? I thought you liked me best Alice?

Alice: Well, I lied.

Jacob: Fine, no end of chapter dancing for you then.

Alice: Thank god!

Jacob: Ha! I lied, you still have to dance!

And they all danced, 'cept Alice and Jasper both danced in their new matching hot pink high heeled flaming flamingo shoes. Who did you think the other pair was for? Rosalie? You readers are so weird sometimes!

Emmett: IRONY!!!!

Me: Go home Emmett.

Emmett: I do what I want.

Me: No actually, you do what I want you to do, and I want you to turn into an octopus.

Emmett: I will not---

And then Emmett turned into an octopus.

**Hmm…I seem to do my craziest writing late at night...I think listening to Spice Girls helps too. Now REVIEW!!!! Because I love you. Also if you'd read Cedward baked a cake and review that I'd be eternally grateful because it only has 4 reviews, and that makes me a little sad. :(**


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